Almost four years ago I took a leap of faith, and decided to "invest my faith in the character of God." I wanted to stay home with my daughter for two years before she began school, and at the beginning of the journey that was it.
Shortly there after God showed up and has been working in my life ever since. He revealed a buried dream of mine to become a teacher, and then guided me into obtaining the degree and certificate to become one. And now, I sit and wait for what I have deemed the glorious payoff, which is signing a contract at my dream job.
Please do not misunderstand, that would still be the icing on the cake, but I am starting to think that I have already received the big pay off. I love God more, I trust God more, I seek God more, and much much more. As a follower of Christ I am not sure there is anything else I am meant to do.
This quest has been refining my soul, and I pray will continue to do so. I am a better person today because of the investment that I placed in God. The pay off....well...is more of Him.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wouldn't Want to Miss This
Phillipains 4: 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
A few days ago I actually told someone that "I cannot wait for this summer to be over." To some, this may seem like a normal statement, but I have NEVER been one who is so afraid of all of the unknown and scary times, that I was willing to give up the journey.
The statement DEEPLY bothered me, because what is life, if not for the journey. So I decided to find some inspiration from my FB friends. (Something that is apparently frowned upon by some - though I do not know why - but I will rant and rave on that another day.) This discussion lead to me being inspired and encouraged that the Lord will indeed provide. I was given wonderful ideas of how I can make a few dollars.
So I did the math, and I figure if I do not win $4000 by June (which is highly unlikely since I hate to gamble) Then I will be able to live on $300 a week, which is 13 hours of either cleaning or tutoring a week....doable!!! :)
Sometimes you just have to take a mountain and look at it one rock at a time. Excited to do this summer now!! It will be amazing to watch how God provides and plan to love the entire journey as he does.
Finally I wanted to list all of the things that I am looking forward to this summer:
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
A few days ago I actually told someone that "I cannot wait for this summer to be over." To some, this may seem like a normal statement, but I have NEVER been one who is so afraid of all of the unknown and scary times, that I was willing to give up the journey.
The statement DEEPLY bothered me, because what is life, if not for the journey. So I decided to find some inspiration from my FB friends. (Something that is apparently frowned upon by some - though I do not know why - but I will rant and rave on that another day.) This discussion lead to me being inspired and encouraged that the Lord will indeed provide. I was given wonderful ideas of how I can make a few dollars.
So I did the math, and I figure if I do not win $4000 by June (which is highly unlikely since I hate to gamble) Then I will be able to live on $300 a week, which is 13 hours of either cleaning or tutoring a week....doable!!! :)
Sometimes you just have to take a mountain and look at it one rock at a time. Excited to do this summer now!! It will be amazing to watch how God provides and plan to love the entire journey as he does.
Finally I wanted to list all of the things that I am looking forward to this summer:
- gardening
- travel to see family
- fishing
- swimming
- tutoring my daughter, and hopefully other students
- my new dance room
- the new trampoline
- me and my nephew Reid's awesome bday party
- watching Reid perform at the Civic Center
- Recital week
- State Fair Camp and State Fair
- Pool parties
- BBQ's
- Sharing/mentoring a new ministry with my daughter
- Twister at Bates Park
- MPT meetings
- Library time
- Walks/bike rides at Grays lake or beyond
- sleep overs
- discovering something new about me
- discovering something new about my daughter
- time to cook my favorite meals
- try new recipes
- etc....
Monday, May 21, 2012
Seeking Him First
For the last four years, I have been on a journey. It was nearly four years ago about this time, when I felt the Lord was answering my prayers to be a stay at home mom. I heard quit plainly, you will quit your job and start an in home day care in August. Um, OK!!!
It was at this time that I began (what at that time I thought I knew) learning that it is God and God alone who is my provider. Not the job or my skills, for God provided me that job and the skills to do the job.
In the last four years I have spent many moments filled with anxiety about how my bills would be paid. All along, I knew that God was my provider, and that he did not lead me on this journey to let me fail. Still, not knowing where the money is coming for your mortgage, and the mortgage being due in two days....leads to a little bit of anxiety.
A lot of times it looked like this... me, face down in tears telling God "OK I trust you, but can you work your miracle more quickly next month. Please! I am growing tired of the not knowing." And sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't.
I am facing another summer, hopefully my last, of going through this emotional roller coaster ride of the unknown. But hwo unknown is it? He says he will provide. I believe him! I trust him! But still I ask, how much is my respobsiblity? Am I to go out and eagerly look for ways to make money? How much to I push? (Any thoughts would be greatly welcomed BTW)
I am not sure. I do know that I hope this summer I do not have to end up face down in tears. Perhaps I can learn to have a bit more confidence in what I know! That he is my provider, my love, my God, my Lord. He will provide and take care of it all. I do not have to know, I just have to wake up every morning ready to listen and follow his lead. Seek him first and all else will be added.
It was at this time that I began (what at that time I thought I knew) learning that it is God and God alone who is my provider. Not the job or my skills, for God provided me that job and the skills to do the job.
In the last four years I have spent many moments filled with anxiety about how my bills would be paid. All along, I knew that God was my provider, and that he did not lead me on this journey to let me fail. Still, not knowing where the money is coming for your mortgage, and the mortgage being due in two days....leads to a little bit of anxiety.
A lot of times it looked like this... me, face down in tears telling God "OK I trust you, but can you work your miracle more quickly next month. Please! I am growing tired of the not knowing." And sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't.
I am facing another summer, hopefully my last, of going through this emotional roller coaster ride of the unknown. But hwo unknown is it? He says he will provide. I believe him! I trust him! But still I ask, how much is my respobsiblity? Am I to go out and eagerly look for ways to make money? How much to I push? (Any thoughts would be greatly welcomed BTW)
I am not sure. I do know that I hope this summer I do not have to end up face down in tears. Perhaps I can learn to have a bit more confidence in what I know! That he is my provider, my love, my God, my Lord. He will provide and take care of it all. I do not have to know, I just have to wake up every morning ready to listen and follow his lead. Seek him first and all else will be added.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Needing Emotions to Catch Up
2 Corinthians 10:5 ~ "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
Answer me this? What comes first the action or reaction? Better asked, the thought or the emotion?
Yesterday I had one door open and another one shut. Hopes and dreams that had just recently been established in me, were crushed in a matter of moments. It hurt. It hurt really bad.
It actually uncovered a lie that was buried deep in me, that I was not even aware that was there. And that hurt even more. Last night my smile could not even hide it, though I surely tried.
There is a part of me that wants to curl up and hid right now. I want to get lost in this feeling of inadequacy and I am feeling. Cling to the things in my past that give "proof" of the lie that is being brought up in my head right now. But I know I can't do this. There is a greater truth that I am called to listen to, and heed to.
It is the truth that I am loved, and that God is in charge. It is the truth that he did not bring me this far to leave me now. I have to believe that he has great plans for me. They may not be what I thought they were, but I have to trust that it is sufficient. I have to trust that he is answering my prayers and placing me right where I need to be!
Maybe my other desires were selfish. Maybe I am just more needed where he is putting me. Regardless, it still hurts.
So while I have been able to apply this verse to my life, and take captive thoughts and make them obedient to God; I am finding that my emotions are not quite as quickly willing to comply.
Answer me this? What comes first the action or reaction? Better asked, the thought or the emotion?
Yesterday I had one door open and another one shut. Hopes and dreams that had just recently been established in me, were crushed in a matter of moments. It hurt. It hurt really bad.
It actually uncovered a lie that was buried deep in me, that I was not even aware that was there. And that hurt even more. Last night my smile could not even hide it, though I surely tried.
There is a part of me that wants to curl up and hid right now. I want to get lost in this feeling of inadequacy and I am feeling. Cling to the things in my past that give "proof" of the lie that is being brought up in my head right now. But I know I can't do this. There is a greater truth that I am called to listen to, and heed to.
It is the truth that I am loved, and that God is in charge. It is the truth that he did not bring me this far to leave me now. I have to believe that he has great plans for me. They may not be what I thought they were, but I have to trust that it is sufficient. I have to trust that he is answering my prayers and placing me right where I need to be!
Maybe my other desires were selfish. Maybe I am just more needed where he is putting me. Regardless, it still hurts.
So while I have been able to apply this verse to my life, and take captive thoughts and make them obedient to God; I am finding that my emotions are not quite as quickly willing to comply.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I WILL have all of that!
Isaiah 30:15 ~ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."
This verse continues to say "but you would have none of that." None of that! No repentance. No rest. No quietness. No trust. No salvation or strength! Um...why? Why would anyone not want this? Or is it that we want this, but cannot figure out how to achieve it.
The verse says, in order to achieve it, we have to repent, rest, be quiet and trust. Is that really so hard? I would have to say....YES! For some of us more so than others.
I know for me, I am a dreamer. My mind is always racing with all of the possibilities of what could be. I am also a planner, a "beaver" type personality, who is always wanting to have everything prepared and in place. When I find myself lingering in moments of the unknown the whole dreamer/need to be prepared personalities collide within me and bring great anxiety.
For a "doer" to just rest and trust can be physically painful, not too mention what it does to our mental well being. But here is a funny thing. It is in "doing" that I seem to then find my rest.
This morning, my mind was moving so fast I could have almost cried. So I grabbed my Ipod and headed to the basement where I have more than enough mindless work to do. I spent the next hour folding and hanging clothes and reorganizing the laundry room, while listening to the "Dance 4 God" playlist. Through the words and the movements of my body, I found rest.
"This is the moment, it's on the line which way you gonna fall?....It's your life whatcha gonna do? The world is watching you. Everyday the choices you make, say of what you are and who your heart beats for."
That's right! I have people watching me. Am I going to freak out, or trust. Am I going to try and control and manipulate, or am I going to be quiet and know that you did not lead me on path of destruction, but one of abundance.
Yahweh, your dreams for me are bigger than any dream I could dream for myself. I trust that. I will rest in that. I will set my eyes and ears on you and let you lead me. I WILL have all of that! Thank you!
This verse continues to say "but you would have none of that." None of that! No repentance. No rest. No quietness. No trust. No salvation or strength! Um...why? Why would anyone not want this? Or is it that we want this, but cannot figure out how to achieve it.
The verse says, in order to achieve it, we have to repent, rest, be quiet and trust. Is that really so hard? I would have to say....YES! For some of us more so than others.
I know for me, I am a dreamer. My mind is always racing with all of the possibilities of what could be. I am also a planner, a "beaver" type personality, who is always wanting to have everything prepared and in place. When I find myself lingering in moments of the unknown the whole dreamer/need to be prepared personalities collide within me and bring great anxiety.
For a "doer" to just rest and trust can be physically painful, not too mention what it does to our mental well being. But here is a funny thing. It is in "doing" that I seem to then find my rest.
This morning, my mind was moving so fast I could have almost cried. So I grabbed my Ipod and headed to the basement where I have more than enough mindless work to do. I spent the next hour folding and hanging clothes and reorganizing the laundry room, while listening to the "Dance 4 God" playlist. Through the words and the movements of my body, I found rest.
"This is the moment, it's on the line which way you gonna fall?....It's your life whatcha gonna do? The world is watching you. Everyday the choices you make, say of what you are and who your heart beats for."
That's right! I have people watching me. Am I going to freak out, or trust. Am I going to try and control and manipulate, or am I going to be quiet and know that you did not lead me on path of destruction, but one of abundance.
Yahweh, your dreams for me are bigger than any dream I could dream for myself. I trust that. I will rest in that. I will set my eyes and ears on you and let you lead me. I WILL have all of that! Thank you!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Unquestionable Trust
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
Over the last week I have been faced with a lot of things that would beg me to question the Lord and if he is really paying attention to all of the things that are going on down here. Untimely deaths, people making choices that will destroy their lives and those who depend on them, manipulating circumstances, etc.
So many questions that seem to have no answer. Perhaps truly have no answer or explanation at all.
I remember years ago I started to write all of the questions that I had floating around in my head. All of the things that did not add up I just let it all out on paper. The paper ended up being 14 pages. FRONT and BACK!! I and wrote small too.
The funniest thing was at the end of this two day ranting I ended with a loud and resounding answer in my head. Well maybe not an answer as much as a reply. It was the verse "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding".
Well I was not fortunately strong enough at that time in my walk to accept this reply, and had to then spend the few years following that being humbled and refined. Praise be to God's grace, I came to a place of peace with this.
I do not have to understand or be able to see all that God is doing in a other's life. I do not have to even see where he is directing me in my own life. I trust him. Without question!
I know that he loves me. I know that he is good. I know that he came to bring life, and bring it abundantly. I know that he wants to know me, and know others. I know that life is going to happen. I know that he does not put me on a path to lead me to destruction.
So I guess instead of trying to find answers to so much that i do not know, and do not understand, I have decided that I am going to look to what I DO know!! And trust in that. Trust in him. Yahweh!
Over the last week I have been faced with a lot of things that would beg me to question the Lord and if he is really paying attention to all of the things that are going on down here. Untimely deaths, people making choices that will destroy their lives and those who depend on them, manipulating circumstances, etc.
Why do innocent people have to suffer?
Why do loved ones have to get sick? Or die?
Why does it seem that people who pay no attention to the Lord or his ways, seem to have everything go their way all the time?
Why aren't all of the desires of my heart met?
So many questions that seem to have no answer. Perhaps truly have no answer or explanation at all.
I remember years ago I started to write all of the questions that I had floating around in my head. All of the things that did not add up I just let it all out on paper. The paper ended up being 14 pages. FRONT and BACK!! I and wrote small too.
The funniest thing was at the end of this two day ranting I ended with a loud and resounding answer in my head. Well maybe not an answer as much as a reply. It was the verse "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding".
Well I was not fortunately strong enough at that time in my walk to accept this reply, and had to then spend the few years following that being humbled and refined. Praise be to God's grace, I came to a place of peace with this.
I do not have to understand or be able to see all that God is doing in a other's life. I do not have to even see where he is directing me in my own life. I trust him. Without question!
I know that he loves me. I know that he is good. I know that he came to bring life, and bring it abundantly. I know that he wants to know me, and know others. I know that life is going to happen. I know that he does not put me on a path to lead me to destruction.
So I guess instead of trying to find answers to so much that i do not know, and do not understand, I have decided that I am going to look to what I DO know!! And trust in that. Trust in him. Yahweh!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Feeling the Wait
Philippians 4:4-7 "4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Do not be anxious! How is this even possible?
We have the daily worries of life and external demands weighing us down. So we learn to lean on our heavenly father for our daily bread. We learn he is our provider. Not our jobs, other people, or even ourselves. So we humble ourselves and surrender to his guidance and trust; or rather learn to KNOW that he will provide the tangible things that we need.
But what I find most difficult is not the finding peace while waiting for provisions, rather the waiting for life. You know, the things that you are anticipating to happen. Graduating from college, getting a job, finding a person to love and start a life with. All of the things that you know he is going to bless you with, but take time to develop.
Yes, I have to admit, I am not good with the waiting. Currently, He is providing my daily bread having me work as a substitute teacher. WHAT A TEASE! I spend all day in these rooms. Some are very well ran, others I am just DYING to get my hands on. Either way, I sit in the room and dream about how I would organize it. I look through the curriculum guides and ideas of lessons begin to pop in my head.
IT IS KILLING ME!!!
Everyday I am in a new school, and I wonder "how would I do in this grade? in this position? on this team?" I am driving myself bonkers dreaming of 'how it could be'. My eager anticipation has a tendency to morph itself into anxiety.
Yet I know better than to do this. Be anxious for nothing. But Yahweh, my soul is yearning so deeply for the end result of these last few years of hard work. I want a room. Why can't a school call me and hire me NOW!!!
So what do I do? How do I surrender this? I look to him. Not for an answer, or some magical remedy. HE is the remedy. I get lost in loving him and letting him love me. He is here, now. He wants to show me things, now. He wants to love me, now. "Rejoice in the Lord, again I say rejoice!" Turn my mind away from the things in this world and allow my heart to rejoice in the love that he has for me, and I have for him.
This is so not easy, until it is done. And someday, I am sure I will miss having all this free time where I can just sit back and be loved!
Do not be anxious! How is this even possible?
We have the daily worries of life and external demands weighing us down. So we learn to lean on our heavenly father for our daily bread. We learn he is our provider. Not our jobs, other people, or even ourselves. So we humble ourselves and surrender to his guidance and trust; or rather learn to KNOW that he will provide the tangible things that we need.
But what I find most difficult is not the finding peace while waiting for provisions, rather the waiting for life. You know, the things that you are anticipating to happen. Graduating from college, getting a job, finding a person to love and start a life with. All of the things that you know he is going to bless you with, but take time to develop.
Yes, I have to admit, I am not good with the waiting. Currently, He is providing my daily bread having me work as a substitute teacher. WHAT A TEASE! I spend all day in these rooms. Some are very well ran, others I am just DYING to get my hands on. Either way, I sit in the room and dream about how I would organize it. I look through the curriculum guides and ideas of lessons begin to pop in my head.
IT IS KILLING ME!!!
Everyday I am in a new school, and I wonder "how would I do in this grade? in this position? on this team?" I am driving myself bonkers dreaming of 'how it could be'. My eager anticipation has a tendency to morph itself into anxiety.
Yet I know better than to do this. Be anxious for nothing. But Yahweh, my soul is yearning so deeply for the end result of these last few years of hard work. I want a room. Why can't a school call me and hire me NOW!!!
So what do I do? How do I surrender this? I look to him. Not for an answer, or some magical remedy. HE is the remedy. I get lost in loving him and letting him love me. He is here, now. He wants to show me things, now. He wants to love me, now. "Rejoice in the Lord, again I say rejoice!" Turn my mind away from the things in this world and allow my heart to rejoice in the love that he has for me, and I have for him.
This is so not easy, until it is done. And someday, I am sure I will miss having all this free time where I can just sit back and be loved!
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